The lionesses

I came home at 4:00 with Lyla to a house still filled with 25 women. I think there's something primal that happens when a bunch of women get together for a baby shower. I walked in and their eyes moved in unison from me to Lyla and then back to me. It's like they were a pack of lionesses and I was a zebra holding a lion cub. It's a wonder I'm still alive.

After awkwardly greeting everyone, I headed upstairs to the nursery to change Lyla.

I opened the nursery door and there were breasts, bare breasts, holy shit those are breasts, why are there breasts, whose breasts are those, stop looking at the breasts, staring at me from the chair. One of the lionesses was pumping milk.

I got out of there quick, returned downstairs with the full-diapered Lyla and past the 50 unison eyes into the spare bedroom. I changed Lyla and then offered her to the pack in exchange for my freedom. One of them made a sudden movement, so I was off, sprinting up the stairs and into the bedroom, where I put in a movie and tried to relax.

An hour later they had all left, undoubtedly forgiving my breast infraction because I had previously added a much-needed apostrophe to their signage.