Over the cuckoo's nest

This is an outfit that only works if you're under 2 or over 80.

I don't favor censorship, but I'm considering the immediate removal of four books from the household. My state of mind creeps ever closer to tongue-waggling insanity each time Lyla says "Dada, boo peez!" and presents me with one.

Here they are. If you are responsible for us owning one or more of these books, then shame on you.

4. Princesses are Pretty

Sample line: "Princess Polly laughed out loud, to everyone's delight. 'You've found my little Fluff!' she cried, and kissed the blushing knight."

This book contains the dumbest stories I've ever read. I can't do it anymore. Thankfully it's no longer a favorite of Lyla's, probably because it's hidden behind a couch cushion.

Insanity rating: 5 minutes in a straitjacket rocking myself in a fetal position

3. Elmo's 12 Days of Christmas

Sample line: "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me one red monster up in a tree!"

Lyla is only satisfied with this book if I sing the entire thing. By the time I get to the twelfth day of Christmas and its twelve monsters drumming, I'm ready to convert to Judaism.

Insanity rating: 10 minutes in a room with padded walls and a towel in my mouth so I don't swallow my tongue

2. Minnesota ABC

Sample lines: "F is for state fair," "K is for Kensington Rune Stone," "X is for X-country skiing"

If you decide to write an alphabet book for children where each page contains a letter and something that starts with that letter, then you had better goddamn get it right. "F is for state fair." You cannot invent something stupider than that. Plus, I'm sorry, but the letter X is suddenly interchangeable with the word cross? That offends me to the core. And what the hell is the Kensington Rune Stone?

Insanity rating: 15 years in a private cell writing manifestos with safety pencils on circles of paper

1. Julie's photo album from high school

Sample page: Julie and her ex-boyfriend cuddling under a blanket and umbrella at a rural Wisconsin athletic competition that may or may not be a tractor pull

Lyla points at the young man and says "Dada."

Insanity rating: Total frontal lobotomy